We Are the Crystal Meth
by clarajaninequinn
Summary: Alternate timeline of Steven Universe where his gem ages him a little faster; he finds himself having to come of age fast in a new world of sex and drugs, experiencing sudden puberty despite only being 10 or something. Rated M for explicit content, sometimes sexual
1. Chapter 1

Steven was having another dream, everything was all blue and spinning around really fast. He woke up with a start and screamed "Gotta go fast!"

"What's wrong Steven?" Pearl asked him.

"Pearl get the fuck out of my room you pedophile, get out of here," Steven glared at Pearl as she left while scratching at an uncomfortable sensation in his ass. He reached up inside himself and pulled out his Sonic action figure. He frowned. "Not again." He glanced over at the clock; it read 1:34.

Steven heard a horrible grating noise from downstairs: "Garnet why are you up doing this again?!"

"Why are you a pedophile," Garnet replied deadpan. Steven heard a strange muffled snorting sound from his bed.

"Garnet, you are a terrible influence, I mean look what happened to Greg," Pearl chastised her black teammate. Steven wasn't gonna sit there and let them talk shit about his daddy, so he jumped from his bed and ran downstairs.

When he got there he saw something weird. Garnet was sitting on the couch, with several white lines of powder lying before her on the table. Pearl reacted with horror to Steven's presence and ran over to him to try to shoo him back upstairs.

"Pearl, Steven's like eleven now, I don't think I need to hide this from him," Garnet said slowly, before leaning over and snorting one of the lines of powder with a straw.

"Yeah, fuck you Pearl, you always be talking shit anyway," Steven walked past Pearl. "So Garnet what is that stuff anyway?"

"Listen Steven," Garnet patted on the couch next to her so Steven would sit there. "As you may remember if you don't have ADD, we have all been alive for thousands and thousands of years, and trapped on this planet for many of them. This planet is fucking retarded, humans are gonna kill themselves regardless of rather or not the Homeworld gets past us, and they don't even deserve our effort. Basically, your mom was a horny retard who wanted to stay here for human penis, Pearl stayed here to try to hide inside your mother's vagina for the rest of time, Amethyst likes booze too much. We all got dragged into it and now it sucks so yeah I'm gonna snort some cocaine."

"Cocaine?" Steven had overheard the Pizzas talking about it in hushed tones while waiting for his pizza before. It sounded very secret and fun.

"Steven, this world is a lot dirtier than your mother would have liked us all to believe. Not just drugs, but also sex, which includes the gays, and also 9/11," Garnet explained before railing another line.

Steven understood now. "So what you're saying is, hit it and quit it?"

Garnet smiled. "Exactly. Well I mean, I'm pretty sure your spit could get someone pregnant, so remember to cover your dick in your bubble before you stick it in Connie, she probably has STD's too."

Pearl grimaced in the corner, unable to come to grips with the idea of sexuality even though her entire life revolved around her wet dreams about Rose Quartz's huge titties. "Don't you think this is something his father should be telling him about, Garnet?"

"Maybe," Garnet replied apathetically. "I mean his dad's kind of homeless, we have each been more of a parent to him than Greg."

"Hey, don't be mean to my dad," Steven said defensively. He reflected on the fact that the temple was so impossibly large and yet they couldn't sacrifice a few square feet for his own father to live. He shook it off.

"Yeah, honestly, your dad got an alien pregnant which shouldn't even be possible so I guess you should ask him," Garnet said reasonably.

Steven decided he would go ask his dad about penises and vaginas but it was still the middle of the night so he went back to sleep. He tried to dream about Connie's supple brown pussy, but he had never seen a vagina before so it was hard to picture. Then suddenly a Centipeetle emerged from Connie's smooth groin, feasting on her flesh.

Steven awoke with a start again, but now it was light outside. He rubbed his eyes and frowned about his dream, _What could it mean?_

He went downstairs and saw Pearl standing near the warp anxiously while Garnet sat calmly nearby.

"Amethyst is late for our mission," Pearl related to Steven hysterically. "I haven't seen her since yesterday morning."

 _Good morning to you too, bitch,_ Steven thought.

Pearl paced around neurotically. "We have to go find her," she urged Garnet.

"She'll be fine," Garnet rebuked.

Steven admired how Garnet was able to stay calm in times like this. "Hey Garnet, is cocaine your secret to always being so calm?"

Garnet turned to him, her shades gleaming in the light. "Yes."

Steven left and started toward his father's car wash. He strolled down the boardwalk, where he saw Onion licking at an ice cream cone.

"Hey Onion," Steven said amicably. "What are you up to?"

Onion looked at him blankly, then pointed in one direction down the boardwalk.

"Cool, I'm heading that way too," Steven replied. He always liked hanging out with Onion, he was a good listener. As they walked down the boardwalk together he thought about whether or not Onion knew about sex and drugs, after all he wasn't sure if Onion was younger than him because he never talked.

"Hey Onion, do you know what a vagina is?"

Onion stopped, and blinked at Steven. He held two fingers to his lips and stuck out his tongue between them.

Steven was confused. "Uh, ok."

Onion made a wordless turn away from him soon after, but he was almost at his dad's car wash anyway so he didn't really care. He arrived at the van outside in which his dad slept and knocked on the window. "Dad? You there?"

He guessed his dad may have still been asleep, Steven knew he often liked to sleep in. He turned away and was about to walk to the Big Donut because he was hungry, but just before he was out of earshot he heard a strange, muffled sound from inside the van - kind of a giggle. Steven turned back around in confusion; his dad didn't sound like that.

"Dad, are you okay?" Steven knocked on the window again. He went around to the back and opened the trunk door, expecting to see his father mumbling to himself in his sleep. But what he saw was not that.

Instead he saw his father's butthole; he was leaned over one of his amps and there was a large purple something vibrating in his butt. "Uh, Dad, what's going on?"

Greg turned around, mortified. The strange purple object slid out of his anus and fell on the ground, where it glowed and made a popping sound. A moment later Amethyst was sitting on the van floor in front of Steven. Her hair and skin was covered in poop stains.

"Oh hey Steven," Amethyst feigned nonchalance. "We were just having a little poopy party!"


	2. Chapter 2

Sadie's sweaty forearm was starting to stick to the glass counter. It was a hot day and she was lonely; Lars had been hiding in the bathroom for the last half hour or so. _Probably jerking off,_ Sadie thought with a roll of her eyes.

She heard the bell on the front door of the Big Donut ring, shocking her out of her sticky daze. She looked up and saw Onion walking toward her.

"Oh, hi there Onion," Sadie greeted him with a smile. "The usual today?"

Onion closed his eyes and nodded, making his 'gimme' hand gesture.

Sadie laughed and crouched down to grab him a boston creme donut. Before she rose she heard several more people enter the shop.

"And I was just like fuck you, Dad, it might be your car but it's my _life."_

Sadie groaned internally - the _cool_ kids were here.

Crossing paths with the group on his way out, Onion got his hair ruffled by Sour Cream. "What's up, little bro?" Onion frowned and walked right past him out of the shop.

Sadie watched as Onion's half-brother took a seat at a table, along with the mayor's son and Jenny Pizza.

"So where's he at?" Jenny asked her clique. _Lars,_ Sadie sighed. _Of course they're here for Lars._

She prepared herself to snap at them to buy something or leave, failing to realize someone else was approaching the counter.

"Hey, can I have a-"

"Heyyy guys!" Lars popped out of the break room on cue, scooting over to the cool kids' table while shooting an insincere smile at Sadie - so as to indicate 'I'm leaving, you're gonna take over the rest of the day, thanks'.

Sadie leaned on a hand. This job wasn't so bad when Lars was around, even though he was nothing special. Hardly anybody ever came in the store, so the next few hours would probably be a snooze.

"Uh, hello?"

Sadie had forgotten Kiki Pizza wanted to buy something.

"Oh, sorry, Kiki. What can I get for you?"

She retrieved a donut for Kiki as she watched Lars walk out with Kiki's sister and her friends.

"Uhh, it looks like your crowd is leaving, you better run!"

Kiki blinked, as if she didn't understand what Sadie meant at first. "Oh, no, Jenny just gave me a ride over here. I wanted a donut."

"Oh." Sadie took the bill Kiki was holding out to her.

Before Sadie could attempt to drum up conversation yet another person entered the shop: Mayor Dewey.

"I was just driving my son over here but it smells too good to stay outside," Dewey said enthusiastically. Sadie smiled awkwardly, knowing it was meant as a compliment. _We don't even bake these._

Kiki hesitated for a moment at the counter, holding her donut. "Well, thanks Sadie," she said before she left. _No,_ Sadie thought. _Don't leave._ She was alone with the mayor now.

Sadie's stomach dropped as the door closed behind Kiki. Dewey advanced on the front counter, and all Sadie wanted to do was shrink away, disappear, turn into one of the donuts safe under the glass.

"I saw the little girl who works here with you leaving with my son," Dewey said. Sadie thought he might be trying to make light conversation. "I bet they're messing around. Faggots."

Sadie forced a chuckle. "Uh, yeah, probably."

The next thing she knew Dewey's hand was latched onto her sweaty arm. His lips peeled back into a big toothy smile.

"You look just beautiful with a little sweat on you."

Sadie blushed, unable to stop herself.

"Let's go to the bathroom," he whispered huskily.

She didn't have a choice. Nobody was coming. Nobody ever came.

The urinal smelled like Lars's crotch, like she had expected. She thought about the cool kids, gabbing and laughing in Jenny's pizza delivery car. Lars had always complained about how bad that car smelled, despite his desperation to fit in with them.

Sadie had always judged Lars for his lack of integrity. But now she wished she could stink of pepperoni - maybe it would mask the scent of her shame.


	3. Chapter 3

The light, glistening water spouted up and outward infinitely. _The last clean place,_ Pearl thought bitterly.

Steven had been gone a while. Really, though, it was all the better. She knew that as soon as they figured out where Lapis Lazuli was, he would insist on venturing out to save her. In that way, Steven's absence was very welcome to Pearl; despite her resentment of Garnet's impression on Steven, she knew Garnet would foresee if he were to get himself into anything too dangerous. _With humans, at least he's safe,_ she reflected, _he's good with humans._

Still, Pearl thought that Garnet's mind might not quite be on Steven on the moment, so going to ask her wouldn't hurt.

As she hovered down and walked out the door of her room, Pearl thought about the more pressing issue - Amethyst was still gone as well. She frowned, glancing out the window at the ocean under the night sky. Pearl and Garnet had managed on the last mission without her, but if real danger were to strike now, they would be totally vulnerable.

She rapped on Garnet's door. "Garnet?"

She waited a moment. Nobody came. Pearl sat in the living room alone in the dark. Anxious, she looked around for things to clean. But with Amethyst and Steven gone, the room was spotless.

Some time later, Pearl finally heard Garnet's door open behind her. "There you are. Listen, I'm really worried about-"

But turning around, Pearl realized it wasn't Garnet who came out of the door, but Sapphire.

"Oh." Pearl wasn't sure what to say. Talking with Sapphire was always strange, considering her eyes were always hidden behind those bangs.

"Steven and Amethyst are going to be fine," Sapphire started calmly, taking a seat opposite Pearl. "It's Ruby I'm worried about."

"Of course," Pearl said quickly. _Sapphire always seemed pretty responsible, I'm sure she doesn't want to stand for this._ She sat up slightly, fueled by the reassurance of someone agreeing with her. "Is that why you're un-fused?"

Sapphire nodded wordlessly.

Pearl shot her a sympathetic glance, though she was unsure if Sapphire could even see it. "Have you talked to her about how much she uses?"

"It's not the drugs that I'm worried about, honestly," Sapphire rebuffed. Pearl flinched internally in surprise. "It's the reason she's using them. It's a hard truth to bear and I don't know how she's going to deal with it."

"What truth are you talking about? Homeworld attacking?"

Sapphire shook her head, seeming almost exhausted. "No. We didn't want to-"

The front door opened. "Hey, Pearl."

Pearl whirled around again and saw Steven. Her stomach dropped. _Not now._

He was approaching her. "I have another-"

Pearl cut him off. "Steven, we're talking about something rather important right now."

"We?" Steven rubbed his eyes. _His eyes look puffier than usual._ "Oh, sorry Sapphire, I didn't even see you there. It's dark in here. Any reason you and Ruby are un-fused?"

"Steven, please." Pearl knew Steven getting involved with this would only be trouble.

"But Pearl, I saw some-"

"Steven," Pearl tried to reign in her stress, keep her composure. "I know you're really excited about this, but what we're talking about is extremely urgent and vital to the strength of the team. Please, just go upstairs. Isn't it too late for you to be up anyway? What were you doing walking home by yourself?"

"Whatever." Steven turned around dejectedly and went upstairs. _I'll worry about that later._

Before she could ask Sapphire what she was talking about, Ruby burst through Garnet's door. Her eyes darted around wildly, looking for her other half. Her hands were shaking."What are you doing out here?" she practically screamed at Sapphire when she saw her. Pearl was frightened.

Without saying a word, Sapphire stood up and walked over to Ruby, embracing her. Ruby clutched Sapphire tightly, burying her face in her hair. Pearl wasn't sure if she was crying.

Sapphire led them into a slow, sweet spin, and they were soon fused again. Garnet threw her shades on. "Pearl."

"Garnet, what's going on? Sapphire was about to tell me-"

"Don't worry about it," Garnet said firmly as she turned to return to her room. "It's nothing."

And as the door closed, Pearl was left alone again. She decided she wanted to be back in her room.


End file.
